‘Dad kicked me out and sent me back to my mother’: Martha Wainwright
By Jane Rocca
Martha Wainwright is a singer/songwriter. The 48-year-old is best known for her memoir, Stories I Might Regret Telling You. Ahead, she shares how her brother Rufus was a calming influence in her life, her difficult relationship with her father, and her “love-at-first-sight” moment with her partner.
“Dad kicked me out and sent me back to my mother. I hadn’t even finished my school year.”Credit: Gaëlle Leroyer
My mum’s boyfriend, Pat Donaldson, moved in with us when I was three. He was a musician who played in her band and moved from England to Quebec to be with her. Pat totally adored her. He was sort of like my stepfather for 10 years, but we didn’t give him a title, which, I think, was a mistake looking back.
Pat took on the supportive role and helped my mother [Kate McGarrigle] with a lot of household chores. He was an incredible cook, a quiet and warm person; he knitted and sewed and had incredible taste and was kind. He wasn’t a domineering male figure and I adored him so much. When they broke up, I was sad to see him go. We never got to have the relationship that we could have.
I was 13 when Pat left and it was around this time my brother, three years older, [musician] Rufus Wainwright, went to boarding school. Mum and I moved into a smaller apartment. That’s around the time Mum and her sister [Anna] made their incredible record Heartbeats Accelerating – a devastating record about midlife and loneliness. It was such a big shift in our lives, and I really felt lost after Pat left us.
My brother Rufus has always been a calming force in my life. He is an incredible gardener and was always on our terrace wearing eccentric outfits and bringing a lot of beauty and colour to the neighbourhood. He would wear big berets and colourful hats and everyone noticed him in the street.
My dad [musician Loudon Wainwright III] wasn’t really part of our lives when I was born. It was Rufus who helped cook meals and take care of me. We are still very close, even though we live miles apart [Martha lives in Montreal, Canada and Rufus lives in California in the United States.]
It was Rufus who helped cook meals and take care of me. We are still very close, even though we live miles apart.
MARTHA WAINWRIGHT
Rufus liked going to gay clubs as a young teen. He was sexually precocious and I think that scared Mum and might be the reason she sent him to boarding school. I spent four years with Mum after that – it was tense. As a result, she sent me to live with Dad in New York. I had never lived with him before. I was 14. I don’t know why he thought it would go well, because he had never parented before.
Dad kicked me out and sent me back to my mother. I hadn’t even finished my school year. I was hurt by that rejection, but he was so ill-equipped to parent. I loved being in a city school with Manhattanites who were more advanced. I was falling love with boys left, right and centre.
I went to an all-girl’s school, and had an Australian teacher, Mr Hamilton, who taught history. He was the odd man out at our school. I was smoking pot and hanging with an older girl at the time, and he caught us measuring pot on the classroom table. We hid it behind our backs as he came to sit on the table near us. He never said anything, but he knew something was up. He didn’t report us, and simply said, “Get it together, girls” as he dusted his hands together to shake off the weed from his hands.
My first kiss happened in grade 9 at Washington Square Park in New York. Everyone was hanging on a bench and a boy invited me to sit on his lap and we French kissed. It was a beautiful moment. I felt warm and excited.
My marriage to producer/bassist Brad Albetta didn’t work out [they were married from 2007 to 2018]. We have two children. I am sad that relationships can devolve so badly, but that is also part of some human relationships.
One thing I didn’t know after I got divorced is that people apparently can find you attractive again. I was like, “Oh”. My perception of myself was quite skewed, and I tried to take advantage of that moment in the sun, but I was so upset in other ways.
That’s when I met a friend of a friend, carpenter Nicolas Deslis. It was a total love-at-first-sight thing, which I had never experienced – well, if I had, it was toxic or not good for me. Meeting him was really amazing and [life] remains so to this day. We are not married because I am a little shy of that, but we run a live music venue together, Ursa, a cafe and recording space in Montreal.
Martha Wainwright is currently touring Australia.
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