Opinion
It’s in our interest to keep having sex after 50. But how to spice it up?
Kathy Lette
WriterBe honest – when did you last have sex? If you were killed in a car crash, would anybody be able to identify your body? Are reclusive Trappist monks and yogis living in caves pestering you for tips on abstinence? There’s a lot to be said for celibacy and most of it begins with “Why me?”
The London Library recently marked Valentine’s Day with a night of “epistolic erotica”. This involved readings from the most arousing literature in the English language. Best of all, the talk was interpreted in sign language. Picture, if you will, the mimed translations of Portnoy’s Complaint and The Story of O.
Sex therapist Suzi Godson counsels that having sex with the same person for 20, 30, 40 or 50 years requires mindful commitment.Credit: iStock
So, yes, sex can be funny, but what’s no laughing matter is the number of my friends in their 50s, 60s and 70s who have given up on carnal encounters. In my book, there are only a few things worse than celibacy, including hepatitis and death. As sex helps to increase our longevity by decreasing our blood pressure and boosting endorphins, it’s in our interest to keep doing the horizontal tango. But how to keep it interesting?
Sex therapist Suzi Godson counsels that having sex with the same person for 20, 30, 40 or 50 years requires mindful commitment. She recommends we “love consciously” by building arousal gradually. Being mindful of how much your relationship matters creates what she calls a “positive feedback loop”. The idea is that when your partner feels appreciated, they reciprocate with love which reinforces mutual intimacy.
Sweet, but a tad nebulous. So let me offer my own list of sure-fire tips guaranteed to have you double-parking in your partner’s erogenous zones.
First off, for fellas, no flossing in bed, toenail clipping, belching or passing wind. Ever. I think we gals should also refrain from asking a partner to pluck our chin hairs.
Sadly, to most married couples, “talking dirty in bed” involves a whinge about the dust building up on the skirting boards.
KATHY LETTE
Now, I don’t want to shock you blokes but saggy-baggy grey Qantas pyjama pants are not quite the aphrodisiac you imagine. It would be so nice if you could occasionally not dress as though you’re here to clean out the aquarium. A tight white T-shirt minus food stains, a lumberjack shirt or maybe even a leather jacket will whet any woman’s appetite.
We females are also guilty of sartorial faux pas in the boudoir. Flannelette nighties are a nooky no-no. As are curlers, inch-thick face cream, teeth-whitening moulds and big white nana knickers.
Sexologists also recommend flirty banter. Sadly, to most married couples, “talking dirty in bed” involves a whinge about the dust building up on the skirting boards, the garbage not being taken out and whose turn it is to empty the worm farm.
Some therapists also suggest watching porn to get in the mood. In my experience, all this will get you in the mood for is a vault into the saddle of your feminist high horse for a gallop into the sanctimonious sunset, neighing about the objectification and exploitation of the female body. You’ll be on your high horse for so long it will need a nose bag.
I would also not recommend trying new positions. Apart from the chiropractic dangers (page 45 of the Kama Sutra has particularly painful memories), trying new things sexually creates terrible eye wrinkles caused by puckering up into a squint and snorting, “You want me to do what?” And, I’m sorry, but surely handcuffs are only acceptable if you’re an undercover cop.
Saucy lingerie is a waste of money, too. Not only are those lacy fishnet ensembles itchy and uncomfortable, they invariably end up cutting off circulation to your thighs – not much chance of leg over if said leg is turning blue and in urgent need of amputation. Plus, most men need an engineering degree to undo a suspender belt. And teddies really should come with a can opener and/or oxy welder. And boys, please don’t buy lingerie on your own. You will get the breast/bum sizes wrong, leading straight to divorce.
Tongue-kissing is another complete turn-off, unless you are mating with an anteater. Rooting around in another person’s mouth is only acceptable if you’re a dentist.
My top tip for a long-term marital spice-up is to schedule date nights. This requires women to deploy some deforestation of the lower leg area and to don a bra not held together with a safety pin. Blokes are forced to wear a pair of undies they don’t sniff first to see if they’re clean and that might actually still have a bit of working elastic.
Following dinner in a nice restaurant, with no mention of tax returns/domestic chores/kids/grandkids, a slow dance around the kitchen accompanied by a night cap or two will result in a case of “Hormonal Houston! We have lift off!”
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