This was published 3 months ago
Opinion
New year’s resolutions already broken? Try these rules to live by instead
Kathy Lette
WriterSo, a month in, how are you faring on your New Year’s pledges? This year I only made one resolution – to give up resolutions. It’s taken a lot of self-control and determination, but in the last few days, I’ve even managed to give up not drinking!
It’s time to give up time-wasting worries that are getting in the way of having more fun. Credit: ISTOCK
Why do we women begin each year with a grim list of things to give up, namely all the fun stuff like wine, chocolate, gossip, lazy Sunday lie-ins… And with what do we replace these pleasures? Low-calorie chocolate, diets, spin classes, hot-water-and-lemon drinks… A bacchanalian fun-fest. Not.
Well, this year all I’m giving up are those time-wasting worries getting in the way of me having more fun. And I suggest you follow practical suit.
First off, stop buying vitamins you never take and only discover again when they are three years out of date. Just eat a bit more fruit and veg. Wine is from a grape, so that definitely counts as one of your five-a-day, right?
Stop curling your eyelashes with that weird medieval contraption that nearly takes your eye out every time. If you’re still having to bat your lashes to get noticed by a bloke, you need to work on your bons mots.
Stop freezing leftovers; you are never going to eat them. All you’re doing is momentarily alleviating your guilt gland about food waste. Those frozen morsels will just reproach you every time you reach for an ice cube for your gin and tonic.
Stop hoarding clothes in the hope that one day you’ll be thin enough to fit into them again. This is never going to happen. Shove them into a bag and take them straight to the charity store. Embrace the elasticated trouser. You know you want to.
Give up on friendships that don’t spark joy. Tippex those names off your birthday invitation list. You are allowed to make new friends and discard the old.
KATHY LETTE
Throw out all those single socks, too. Nobody knows what happens to missing socks. It’s one of life’s great mysteries, like the Bermuda Triangle, the female orgasm and the continuing career success of Donald J. Trump. You are never, ever going to find the missing sock to make a pair. Wise advice? Sock-ratic, to be precise.
Give up on friendships that don’t spark joy. Tippex those names off your birthday invitation list. You are allowed to make new friends and discard the old; it’s just another form of recycling.
Stop Instagramming your “wild swimming”. You’re just going for a dip and it’s no big deal. Same for “getting up your steps”. It’s called a walk. And nobody needs to know.
Stop torturing yourself with regrets. It’s done and dusted, and you’ll never get the chance to put it right. Things I didn’t do when I had the chance – skinny-dipping in Capri, a dinner date with Mel Brooks, samba lessons in Brazil – now those are regrets I still might get a chance to put right.
Stop lying to the doctor about exactly how many units of alcohol you drink a week. They know you have two glasses of red every night. In fact, even right now you’re probably a tipsy bit little.
Stop waiting for your nemesis to apologise. They never will. It’s been four decades now. Bury the hatchet – preferably not in his or her head. (Forgetting feuds is the best thing about ageing. Yes, your memory fades, but on the upside you’ll soon be able to hide your own Easter eggs.)
Stop saying “that’s fascinating” when it’s not, and you’re actually going into a coma of tedium.
Stop checking for grey in your pubes. Is your male partner checking for grey in his pubes? No, he is not. And anyway, grey is the new black.
Stop declining dessert. Just imagine all those women on the Titanic who eschewed the tiramisu. What do you think they were dreaming about on their cold and lonely life rafts?
Give up Botox. It doesn’t make you look younger, it just makes you look like a startled android – a case of send in the clones. Worse, you’ll only infuriate grieving friends when they tell you that their mum’s just died … and you’re incapable of looking sad.
Stop worrying about wrinkles. Your eyesight is deteriorating; pretty soon you won’t be able to see them anyway.
Stop trying to organise your own podcast. Only dolphins should be in pods.
Stop trying to understand men. You never will. They aren’t just from Mars; they’re from a galaxy far, far away. Why do you think blokes always tell us they “need more space”?
Follow these time-saving tips and you’ll soon have the bandwidth to take up more of the fun stuff, like disco-dancing until dawn and swinging from a chandelier with a toy boy between your teeth. I mean, if not now, when? New Year’s Eves seem to come around faster and faster. Tempus is fugit-ing like there’s no tomorrow, so make right now the best time ever.
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