This was published 10 months ago
Religion, class and polyamory: Why happy couples go to therapy
Couples counselling is often thought of as a last-ditch attempt to save a failing relationship. But therapy can be so much more than that, and for a growing number of couples, it’s just as vital for maintaining a healthy relationship as it is for salvaging a sinking one.
Relationship coach and educator Mim Kempson is a firm believer that how a relationship starts sets a precedent for the rest of a couple’s time together. She says couples counselling can be helpful at any stage, including “the honeymoon period”.
Valérie Donat attended counselling through her church before getting engaged to fiancé Anesu Gands.
Perhaps the most common – and traditional – form of “preventative” therapy is pre-marital counselling. While data on its prevalence in Australia is thin, research released in 2011 revealed that one in three Australian couples had previously gone through the process.
For 30-year-old Valérie Donat, who is part of the Seventh Day Adventist Church in Sydney, pre-marriage counselling is the norm. Last year, Donat and her fiancé Anesu Gands attended seven counselling sessions led by a minister from her church and his wife, where they covered a range of topics, including sex and intimacy, the definition of love and the stress of wedding planning.
Eager to start the sessions, Donat and Gands chose to attend therapy before their engagement, which is a choice she would recommend to other couples. “It makes sense to make sure you’re both on the same page, then you can get engaged whenever, rather than working through the wedding and having to deal with issues at the same time or thinking, ‘I have to make this work because I’m engaged now’.”
Navigating different upbringings
While pre-marriage counselling has traditionally been a tenet of faith-based communities, it’s on the rise among the secular community too.
Alice, a social worker who is using a pseudonym for privacy reasons, started attending regular therapy sessions with her fiancé two years ago. The 34-year-old, who lives on NSW’s south coast, says she and her fiancé come from very different backgrounds. Alice’s father was a magistrate and her mum a teacher, while he grew up on a farm, where his dad was a tradesman and mother worked in a school canteen.
“Those differences are great – they’re what brought us together – but we have very different levels of emotional understanding and styles of communication.”
It was Alice’s idea to attend therapy, but she says her fiancé was very enthusiastic about it too. Their sessions are dedicated to discussing areas of conflict in their relationship and exploring their family history. “We were looking into the future and needed to learn how to support and love and grow together,” she says. “It’s a lot about validating and understanding that person’s perspective. It’s understanding their background and what they need.”
Like Donat, getting engaged was one of the things Alice talked about in therapy. “I wanted to get engaged, but he didn’t see the need to formalise it. We were able to get on the same page, and he was able to meet me where I was because it was something I valued.”
Dr Karen Phillip, a counselling psychotherapist who works with many couples before marriage, says “pre-marriage counselling allows both partners to understand what’s involved in a lifetime commitment.
“There are so many facets of a committed relationship, we don’t know what we don’t know.”
Phillip says many conversations in therapy, especially between heterosexual couples, come down to gender equity. When it comes to talking about the division of household labour and caring for children, people are often surprised by how much expectations can vary. Phillip helps couples through detailed discussions that include how long each partner would take off work after having a baby, whether they’ll use daycare and who will do the school drop-off.
“Parents are usually so excited they’re having a baby, they often don’t discuss what it means to have children whilst staying connected as a couple,” she adds. “It’s one of the biggest divisions that we find.”
The process can even save ill-suited couples from tying the knot. Phillip estimates around 20 per cent of the couples she’s worked with have decided not to marry.
Counselling for every stage of life
Julie Sweet, a psychotherapist at Seaway Counselling, began attending counselling with her partner when they were having fertility problems. The 48-year-old, who now has a three-month-old baby, says she and her partner continue to see a therapist for “maintenance”.
Julie Sweet says that couples counselling has been a great foundation for her relationship.
“As a therapist myself, I’m a firm believer in leaning into any and all help available, personally and professionally. It benefits me as a woman, partner, mother, daughter, sister, aunty, friend and therapist.”
Sweet, who has been with her partner for five years, adds that counselling has helped them navigate the unique complexities that come with starting a relationship later in life.
“It’s been a foundation within our relationship that’s enabled us to upskill and apply tools that provide us with safety and security.”
Making counselling more accessible
In 2014, Phillip was contracted by the government to assist with a trial that gave couples a $200 voucher to attend counselling. While the program only lasted nine months, Phillip would welcome a similar scheme today, especially as the cost of living continues to rise. “It is unfortunate couples place their relationship and future second to many other areas of their life in financially challenging times,” she says. But without affordable counselling schemes, many couples are searching for advice elsewhere.
Canberra-based Abbey, who is choosing not to disclose her surname for privacy reasons, has practised consensual non-monogamy for 10 of the 12 years she has been with her husband Liam. The 35-year-old founded The Evolving Love Project, where she talks openly about non-monogamy and polyamorous relationships.
While the couple didn’t seek the help of a therapist before opening their relationship, they did attend relationship coaching events and panel discussions about non-monogamy. The couple also listen to talks from experts like Esther Perel and writer Dan Savage, and listen to podcasts on the subject.
“We’re taking the therapy side of it into our own hands,” says Abbey.
When Abbey and Liam were first exploring polyamory, hearing from more experienced couples, and therapists that explore these kinds of relationships, opened their eyes up to what non-monogamy could look like.
Abbey and Liam have been in an open relationship for 10 of their 12 years of marriage.
Podcasts – like Multiamory, which is a favourite of the couple’s – have brought up many hypothetical situations that they may not have thought of before. After listening, they were able to discuss what they would do should a similar situation to those in the podcast arise.
For couples who aren’t financially able to access therapy, Kempson also recommends books like Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication, attending peer groups alongside people with similar experiences and conversation cards, which prompt couples to dive into intimate topics.
Regardless of how you find therapy or why you seek it out, Kempson believes prevention will always be better than a cure.
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