Opinion
The list of reasons why men are luckier than women is long. But here’s a start
Kathy Lette
WriterI had a road rage incident with a man recently. When I stood up to him about his aggressive driving, he shouted. “I bet you just wish you were a man!” I shot back: “I don’t, but I bet you do.”
Still, with the gender pay gap back in the headlines, this exchange got me thinking about how much easier it is to be a bloke. The simple addition of one Spinal-Tap-type-trouser-appendage and not only would I immediately score more pay and promotion, but car mechanics wouldn’t lie to me. No one would presume that I can’t parallel park, either.
Life would be easier as a man, but there are still a few undeniably positive things about being female.Credit: Getty
Nor would I be dismissed as an old crone, a bag or a hag. In fact, wrinkles and grey hair would add character. On Tinder, girls half my age would swipe right on me because I’m a Silver Fox.
Yep. The list of reasons why men are luckier than women is long. For starters, if I were a man, I could also gain five kilos without being judged and so would never have to think twice about ordering pudding.
I could also lick an ice-cream without every guy in the vicinity imagining me naked. I’d no longer have to throw myself off the balcony if someone turns up at a party wearing an identical outfit to mine. Plus, I could wear whatever I want. As a middle-aged woman, if I don a short skirt or flash bare arms, I’m immediately arrested by the fashion police with cries of “What night is it? Grab a Granny?” I’m yet to ever hear a man dismissed as “mutton dressed as ram”.
Oh, and four pairs of shoes would be adequate for my entire life.
My phone conversations would also take 30 seconds, tops. Hairdressers wouldn’t charge me triple a trim. I’d never have to worry about stray chin hairs, or shave anything below the epiglottis, including no more of that painful pubic deforestation. I’d even have a choice about whether or not to grow a moustache.
As a guy, I wouldn’t have to apologise for anything. I could just pretty much do what the hell I want.
KATHY LETTE
If I carried a friend’s wailing baby around a supermarket strapped to my chest, shoppers wouldn’t glare but look at me adoringly. I could also display family photos on my office desk without derogatory “What are we? A crèche?” comments from male colleagues.
And oh, the joy of not having to stay dehydrated all day to avoid a long loo queue at the theatre later. Plus, at the post-show dinner, people would listen to my opinions with respect. And, after mansplaining, on the way home, I would then take up two seats on the train with my man-spreading.
If I got a chest pain, it’d be taken seriously. And best of all, I would no longer have to be nice. As a female, I’m such a people pleaser... and if you don’t like that, I can change! But as a guy, I wouldn’t have to apologise for anything. I could just pretty much do what the hell I want. Imagine being able to stroll past building sites and not get cat-called. Or walk the streets at night without fear of being attacked.
Plus, if I’m passed over for promotion due to my general ineptitude, I can simply blame women. After a brief phase of domination – roughly all of recorded history up to about now – I can still go online to whinge about how men are being demonised and discriminated against. I may even throw in a complaint about how my female co-workers just slept their way to the top. (A curious accusation as there are so few of us up there.)
Of course, younger men, for the most part, are much more supportive of female equality. The only way feminism could go more mainstream is if it was liquidised and turned into a frappuccino. Real change for women is finally happening. But ageist sexism is still rife. Unless you’re a female who spends all her time lip-synching into a hairbrush to Taylor Swift songs on TikTok, society deems we’ve passed our amuse-by dates.
A few wrinkles ensure women are put out to career pasture. In my new novel, The Revenge Club, four women take retribution on the men who have sacked them for the crime of being “menopausal”. The best thing about revenge is that it’s sweet, but totally non-fattening; which may be why women are drawn to it.
But even if you don’t get the chance to punish the patriarchy, there are still a few undeniably positive things about being female. First off, we live longer than men. (Although some may think that’s just so typical of blokes, leaving all the cleaning up to a woman!) Not to forget the irrefutable advantage of multiple orgasms. (And it’s Oh, Oh, OH!! What a feeling!) Plus we can relish the deep, nourishing joy of female friendship, allowing us to have a good cackle at all of the above. Our motto? Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and you get salt in your champers. So here’s cheers, girls!
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