The people of Perth talk parenting

Pirette and Brendan: It takes a village

PIRETTE: I come from a close family, so I always wanted children. I wanted three, which is what we have — two boys from my first marriage, Hudson and Zachary, and Koah from my marriage to Brendan. My parents married young and had children soon after. I always imagined myself doing the same.

BRENDAN: Children were always on my radar, but I wasn’t planning to enter a relationship with someone who already had kids. By the time I met Pirette I was ready for a family, so it was perfect timing. As the boys were young when I came into their lives, so there was no pushback. It was all smooth sailing.

PIRETTE: My first pregnancy was tough. I went into labour at 21 weeks, so they had to stop the birth. They managed to get me through to nearly full term, but it wasn’t a nice birth. Doesn’t matter: once you see that beautiful child you forget everything you’ve been through – the worry, the pain, the extreme emotions.

BRENDAN: Once we decided to have a child Pirette fell pregnant very quickly. I was thrilled, but I wish I had more time to practise and prepare.

PIRETTE: We timed my pregnancy with my sister so the cousins were born hours apart. My sister and I were in labour across the ward from each other. It worked out perfectly.

BRENDAN: I was a little nervous, but Pirette had been through it twice before so it made my life easy. She knew what she was doing.

PIRETTE: We have also been very fortunate to have had the support of family and friends. My parents live in the next suburb, so a day doesn’t pass when we don’t see them. And my sister and brother have had children since then so there are a lot of cousins around.

BRENDAN: It would be a lot more difficult to raise three children without their help. As they say: ‘it takes a village to raise a child’.

PIRETTE: The most challenging thing for me as a woman is juggling duties – to be a mother and a wife and to hold down a job. There was a time when I thought I could do it all, but it soon became clear that it would be impossible. I was spread too thin. So I gave up full-time work, which is one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made. I admire any woman that can manage all three, but it is very rare. Most women have to make a choice.

BRENDAN: COVID really had an impact on our family and professional life. I have a small business and the economic impact of the lockdown caused a lot of stress. We were feeling burnt-out so we had to make a change or we wouldn’t have made it.

PIRETTE: The lack of time is what surprised me most about becoming a parent. I thought it would be easier as the children got older. In some ways they are more independent, but the demands of sport and extracurricular activities and homework drains away the hours in the day. Luckily there are two sets of parents looking after the boys. It’s a divide-and-conquer situation.

BRENDAN: I love the boys being involved in sport, but I’m not desperate for them to become champions. I don’t have that need to live vicariously through them. I just want them to apply themselves to anything they do.

PIRETTE: I want the children to make their own choices about what they want to do. I won’t pressure them. All I ask is that they give 100 pe rcent to what they choose.

BRENDAN: I don’t have a philosophy of parenting. What I do believe is that each child is different and you have to adjust your parenting to suit them.

PIRETTE: I’m definitely not a helicopter mum. I try to be as honest with them as I can and speak to them as equals.

Angela: The single mum who flew the coop

ANGELA: When I had my children I was determined that they would be part of my life and not the other way around. Don’t get me wrong: when Daniel and Isabella were born they became the centre of my world. But I wanted them to be mobile. I wanted to be able to pack them up and take them anywhere. So both the kids were very socialised from an early age and loved being around adults.

Even though my father is Italian and so is my ex-husband Nico there aren’t a lot of children in our two families. It’s why friends were very important to me when Daniel and Isabella were growing up – and they still are. They’re my family. And my friends’ children and my children are still very close. They’re like the cousins my kids never had.

I was a very relaxed parent. I made sure they did what they had to do and I was heavily involved in taking them to sport and other activities, which I loved, but I was never on top of them. I was fortunate because they were easy from the get-go. They were happy and healthy and well-adjusted. The hands-off approach meant they had a lot of confidence and independence.

When Daniel was 16 and Isabella was 14 Nico and I separated. It wasn’t an acrimonious break-up, so the kids didn’t have to endure all that emotional stuff other families have to go through. But they did worry their worlds would change and they would lose their connections. But things remained pretty much the same. Isabella said to me, “If you and dad are fine then we’re fine.” It was very reassuring.

A few years after my divorce I reconnected with an old boyfriend on Facebook, an Italian guy. So I started travelling back and forth to Italy, sometimes spending up to six months there. So it was me and not the kids who flew the nest. I was having the adventure. The maturity that got them through the divorce meant they were comfortable with me constantly travelling (they had left school by then). They took it in their stride.

Daniel was a wonderful cricketer, but when he was in Year 12 he came to me and said: “I don’t want to play cricket any more.” He didn’t like the politics of how the team was being selected. That might have distressed some parents but it didn’t worry me. He was his own man. I said to him, “You don’t have anything to prove to me. You do what makes you happy. Just finish what you start.” I gave my children all the opportunities, but I never forced them into anything. You have to push a little but not too hard.

My mother used to always say there’s a time for everything. When I was in Year 7 I wanted to go to town to the pictures on my own. Mum said, “I’ll go with you to town, you go off on your own and I’ll meet you afterwards.” She always believed in doing things in stages. And that’s how I was with my kids. Doing things step by step made me reassured and it didn’t cause any issues for them.

All parents have their own way of doing things. One is not better than the other. It’s just different. If I have a philosophy of parenting it is that you have to encourage your children to become their own people. Their father and I didn’t bring them into the world to become clones of us. We wanted them to be who they wanted to be.

Alicia and Angus: They were in a hurry to make a family

ALISHA: I had my kids young because I couldn’t wait to get rid of my uterus.

ANGUS: Jesus, Alicia!

ALICIA: I had hormonal issues when I was young so I was anxious to have kids and solve that problem. I also wanted to have kids young so I could keep up with them. And both our parents had children young. And I knew Angus would make a great father because he was good with kids. He is a kid!

ANGUS: I wanted to have all my kids before I turned 30, so when I turned 50 I wasn’t still chasing around kids. I know people who have had kids over 50 and I said, “No way! I want to enjoy my life.” I also wanted to be able to take them camping and coach them in footy. You can’t do that if your knees are creaking.

ALICIA: Even though we’d been planning to have kids it was still a shock. And I’m a midwife! Nothing prepares you for the change in your life. The pregnancy and birth were nothing compared to the reality of looking after a baby.

ANGUS: I thought having kids would be easy. I didn’t think they would wear you out with a lack of sleep.

ALICIA: I went to mothers groups, but they weren’t much help. Everyone was so competitive! All they did was boast how many hours their child slept and how easy they were. It was pretty annoying and depressing.

ANGUS: One of the advantages of having kids young is that the kids have two sets of grandparents. On the downside all four grandparents are still working, so they have to fit babysitting in their own schedules.

ALICIA: And there was also the financial pressure. I was hoping to be off work for three years, but after nine months I had to go back to work. It wasn’t a bad thing. I thought I wanted to be a stay-at-home mum, but going back to work reminded me of how much I enjoyed it.

ANGUS: If both parents are going to work you have to share the load. One run-down parent is not much chop. Even if you work a full day it doesn’t mean you don’t have to do anything around the house. You don’t realise how tiring being a mother is until you do it yourself.

ALICIA: When children are young the challenges are all physical. You spend your days chasing after them making sure they don’t hurt themselves. As they grow older the challenges are emotional as they start to navigate friendships and the demands of school and making decisions that affect their lives.

ANGUS: Rocco, our eldest, has a phone because of Alicia’s work commitment, but I worry what he is seeing. I disabled the news channel the other day because I don’t want him randomly coming across something that would freak him out. We can’t shield the kids from the world, but we have to deal with it on our own terms.

ALICIA: Like other mums I worry about boys and violence. Even when they are wrestling and I tell them to stop and they don’t I’ll have a talk with them. We have to start young if we want them to grow up to be good men.

ANGUS: One of the biggest problems for me is other parents. They can be so slack on safety issues like wearing helmets while kids are riding bikes. We won’t send out kids to some places because we know the parents won’t be watching them.

ALICIA: A lot of parents complain about taking their kids to sport, but we really enjoy it. I think we may be among the rare exceptions. I love watching Rocco get so much joy out of playing footy. It makes me happy seeing him so happy.

ANGUS: I don’t mind what they do with their lives, I just want them to be happy. The greatest fear of any parent is having a child with mental health issues. You can fix up their bodies — Rocco broke three bones before he was five — but it would be heartbreaking to watch a kid suffer and you can’t help them.

ALICIA: I tell them that I don’t care what they do as long as they don’t become a nurse.

Start the day with a summary of the day’s most important and interesting stories, analysis and insights. Sign up for our Morning Edition newsletter.