Opinion
Was my colleague being callous by not comforting a co-worker?
Jonathan Rivett
Freelance writerI’m a senior person in a small team. One of my colleagues became visibly upset in the middle of the day. I, as well as several colleagues, checked to see what the matter was.
I didn’t notice at the time, but one member of the team stayed at their desk and didn’t comfort the distressed co-worker. Later, as part of a casual work conversation, it was mentioned that the behaviour of the person who had kept to themselves was questionable. That wasn’t the word used, but it was the nub of the idea.
The incident happened some time ago now, but I have found myself thinking back to it and to the accusation of heartlessness. I have gone back and forth on whether I should have done something. Or was this an insightful criticism that I should have taken more seriously?
We should be careful about making assumptions about people’s intentions in any situation, including at work, as people’s thoughts can be hard to deduce.Credit: John Shakespeare
I think we should be really careful about making assumptions about people’s intentions in any situation, including at work.
Of course, if someone screams abuse at a colleague in the office, we can be confident they’re trying to intimidate, humiliate or demean them. And if someone brazenly lies about the authorship of a well-received piece of work, we can be fairly sure they’re attempting to steal accolades.
But in so many cases, what’s going on in a person’s head as they take an action – or, in this circumstance, don’t take one – isn’t easy to deduce.
Was this a genuine question about behaviour or a sly attempt to undermine via groundless accusation?
Yes, it’s possible your colleague remained at their desk because they’re a bitter misanthrope and unmoved by the apparent suffering of a peer. And it’s also possible that if theirs is the kind of vicious cynicism that frays the fabric of a work culture, it might be in the best interests of everyone you work with to have words.
But is there any evidence beyond the inaction itself that this was a deliberate show of disdain or cruelty? Was there a sneer? A shake of the head? An incredulous look? Had this person said anything before, or did they say anything after, that made it clear they didn’t care?
From your longer email it doesn’t sound like it. For that reason, I think so many alternative explanations become more plausible than outright callousness.
What if they didn’t hear? What if they didn’t know the person well and didn’t feel comfortable approaching them? What if they just weren’t sure what was going on and thought it was best to stay out of it? What if they considered coming over but decided they just weren’t sure how they could help? What if they thought it best to mind their own business?
Or what if, rather than being ambivalent or unsure, they were entirely aware of the situation and made a conscious decision to stay away for the good of the troubled colleague? What if they saw that enough people were involved already and understood that one more would serve only as another “cook in the kitchen”?
The problem I see with the situation you’ve described is that, without a lot of information, so much is open to interpretation and discretion. There’s no right or wrong answer to how many people should have attended to the upset colleague or what they should have said or done. Even in hindsight, those questions are surely difficult to answer.
I think it’s possible - probable, actually - that the “questionable” behaviour was nothing of the sort. It might have been a product of puzzlement or unawareness or confusion or discomfort or compassion.
If there was proof that this was disregard born of spite, I can see why this would play on your mind. But I would say the same for the person (or people) who made the criticism – was this a genuine question about behaviour or a sly attempt to undermine via groundless accusation? Unless you knew more, or had reason to investigate further, I think you were right to leave the matter alone.
Send your questions to Work Therapy by emailing jonathan@theinkbureau.com.au
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