Why there’s no such thing as a bad cruise (just bad choices)

The ship A mid-sized ship is big enough for cosy nooks and dining tables to yourself, yet small enough for an intimate, romantic feel. You’ll want to go upmarket to impress, so try Oceania, Seabourn or Silversea. If you really want to pull out all the marry-me stops, Regent wows with opulent decor and dining.

Make it happen Regent Seven Seas’ 10-night cruise from Rome to Trieste will have you lovey-dovey in the Adriatic, with champagne sail-aways at sunset. Departs September 25, 2024, from $12,390 a person, see rssc.com

The party animal

The lowdown Think swimming pools are for socialising, glow sticks are a must-have accessory, and every spare moment is another chance for cocktails? Sociable ships await.

The destinations Short cruises in the South Pacific, Caribbean and some Mediterranean destinations such as party islands Mykonos or Ibiza. Some cruise lines have sampler cruises to nowhere from Sydney, Melbourne or Brisbane where the entire focus is on shipboard entertainment.

The ship Big budget ships from Carnival, MSC, Norwegian, Royal Caribbean have a party for you. The latter offers particularly good family-friendly shenanigans. Virgin Voyages is adults-only and features high-octane parties, drag-queen brunches, risque entertainment and dress-in-red Scarlet Nights.

Make it happen Virgin Voyages will no longer be cruising from Melbourne this summer, but you can join the party on its Irresistible Med cruise that includes Barcelona and party island Ibiza. Seven nights from $3552, see virginvoyages.com

The Zen seeker

The lowdown Are you drawn to holidays of uber-relaxation in wide-open spaces, providing you time to mull over life’s meaning? On luxury cruises, you won’t lift a finger, but can elevate your mind.

The destinations Watching the ocean is meditative anywhere, but you’ll probably want to avoid raucous South-East Asian and crowded European ports in favour of inspiring, laid-back destinations such as the South Pacific, Kimberley and Patagonia.

The ship Mega-ships aren’t for you. Viking suits thoughtful travellers and is adults-only if shrieking kids disturb your equilibrium. Tranquil, luxurious Seabourn offers a comprehensive Mindful Living program. Silversea operates perhaps the most sedate and relaxing ships – plus a butler service to deal with the distracting practicalities.

Make it happen Get authentically Zen in Japan’s temples and gardens. On Silversea’s 14-day itinerary round-trip from Tokyo, you can experience a tea ceremony, calligraphy brushing and national parks. Departs October 1, 2024, from $16,850 a person, see silversea.com

The wellness warrior

The lowdown Your idea of a good time is having your muscles pummelled, then relaxing to whale song in a hot tub? Good news: wellness is booming on cruise ships.

The destinations Just being on a do-nothing, no-worries cruise might do the job. The invigorating Baltic is better than the sweaty Mediterranean and its overeating temptations. On shore excursions, you can visit onsens in Japan and hot springs in Central America.

The ship Silversea’s Otium Spa draws inspiration from ancient Rome, Viking’s Spa tends to Nordic austerity, and Regent’s Serene Spa is lavish and lovely. Of bigger ships, Norwegian’s Mandara Spa is great and Celebrity (on some ships) stands out for its spa, thermal suites and Women in Wellness program.

Make it happen Beautiful New Zealand provides wellness for the soul on Celebrity Cruises’ 12-night cruise from Auckland to Sydney. Two sea days allow for spa splashing. Departs February 19, 2025, from $3126 a person, see celebritycruises.com

The fussy foodie

The lowdown Members of the pile-high club can plunder any buffet, but for demanding gourmets the right cruise will provide upmarket overindulgence and stylish sugar highs.

The destinations Passengers eat on board most of the time, so it hardly matters, although river ships manage a greater regional food focus. Still, for foodie-oriented excursions and off-ship snacking, you can’t do better than the Mediterranean, Asia and the spicy Caribbean.

The ship Go upmarket for quality ingredients and almost all-inclusive, sophisticated restaurant variety. Oceania, Regent Seven Seas and Silversea, and on rivers Uniworld, have delectable dining. Celebrity is the best of bigger ships. The unsung hero is small-ship, premium-niche Azamara: kudos for quality and presenting regional cuisines.

Make it happen Azamara’s seven-night cruise voyage from Athens to Istanbul tempts you with Greek and Turkish dishes; ships also feature a steakhouse and Italian restaurant. Departs October 5, 2024, from $2461 a person, see azamara.com

The remain on-boarder

The lowdown Are you that perplexing never-get-off/go ashore type who prefers the deck lounger to Dubrovnik? Whatever floats your boat; some ships are a holiday in themselves.

The destinations Never mind, right? Still, South Pacific and Caribbean sailings may tempt you ashore momentarily, if only to collapse on a beach with a frozen margarita.

The ship The biggest ships are part seaside resort, part theme park, part mini-Las Vegas and mini-Broadway. The likes of Disney, Princess and Norwegian have abundant sporting, entertainment and activity options. The best family all-rounder is Royal Caribbean, which brings you everything from roller rinks to dodgem cars and multiple swimming pools.

Make it happen Royal Caribbean’s eight-night South Pacific cruise roundtrip from Sydney takes in New Caledonia and Vanuatu. Ovation of the Seas has a rock-climbing wall, surf simulator, sports complex and multiple entertainment and music venues. Departs January 7, 2025, from $2091 a person, see royalcaribbean.com

The cruised-there, done-that veteran

The lowdown Think you’re a jaded cruiser who has sailed the seven seas and out-trumped everyone? Think again, and shore up your boasting rights by getting to peculiar places.

The destinations There’s barely a cranny of the world’s coastlines unexplored by ship. How about Mayotte, Madagascar and Mozambique on a single itinerary? Yes, you can. Cruise lines are increasingly visiting Africa, Central America and “unknown” archipelagos in Asia.

The ship Seabourn and Oceania have some interesting smaller ports on their itineraries. But really, you’ll want to stick to expedition cruising to remote regions, or to destinations yet to develop mainstream cruise facilities. Try Aurora Expeditions, Ponant, Seabourn or Silversea. Lindblad works closely with National Geographic.

Make it happen Sail Panama and Colombia on Lindblad Expeditions’ eight-day Exploring the Caribbean Coast cruise. A visit to Guna Yala Archipelago will silence the dinner-guest competition. Departs October 13, 2024, from $7560 a person, see expeditions.com

The traditionalist

The lowdown Waiters in white gloves, diners in tuxedos or cocktail dresses, afternoon teas, leathery whisky bars and a heritage feel. If that sounds like you, sorry, but the cruise world is moving on. However, all is not lost.

The destinations It would have to be the British Isles, the trans-Atlantic crossing to New York, and classic bits of the Mediterranean such as the French Riviera, Amalfi Coast and Greek islands.

The ship Try Italian-founded Silversea for sedate European service, hushed luxury and classic dining. Regent Seven Seas cleverly combines old-fashioned elegance with contemporary glamour. Of big-ship companies, Princess and Holland America are the most traditional. Cunard wins for its continuing formality and Britishness. Expect ballroom dancing and croquet.

Make it happen Cunard’s 14-night British Isles cruise round trip from Southampton will fatten you on Sunday roasts and high teas, and take you on castle visits. Departs May 18, 2025, from $1969 a person, see cunard.com

The sun lover

The lowdown You’re always by the pool when sailing, seldom slip or slap, have skin like a walnut, and are straight onto a beach or into a lagoon. Cruise lines for lizards? No problem.

The destinations Cruising is perennially sun-kissed, since ships follow the best seasons. Still, the polar extremities aren’t for you. Consider the Mediterranean, Queensland, South Pacific, Hawaii, Caribbean or expedition cruises in South-East Asia or Central America.

The ship It may not matter, since all ships have pools, though on expedition ships they can be more like puddles. The big ships have the biggest and best pools, and several choices. Oceania Cruises has a sleek, sophisticated pool deck for a relaxed day at sea.

Make it happen Splash into stunning lagoons on Oceania Cruises’ 10-day Tahitian Legends cruise. Nautica’s two whirlpool spas on deck nine are quite the spot for sail-aways. Departs February 15, 2025, from $5490 a person, see oceaniacruises.com

The I-want-to-know-it-all

The lowdown Are you a grand-tourist type keen to learn how balsamic vinegar is produced, the Colosseum was built, or the difference between Doric and Ionic columns? Some cruises offer much more than sun and sand.

The destinations The inquisitive will learn no matter where, but no surprise, the Europe and Asia cruises are particularly culture-dense. European river cruises offer abundant opportunities to explore monuments and museums on shore, either by yourself or with specialist guides.

The ship Lines with good enrichment programs and lectures include Azamara, Cunard, Holland America, Princess, Seabourn and Silversea. Oceania has a culinary centre. Viking provides thoughtful lectures and a resident historian to lead get-togethers and Q&As.

Make it happen Viking Cruises’ 15-day Viking Homeland itinerary between Bergen and Stockholm is culture-dense and supplemented by on-board enrichment programs. Check out the ship’s own little Viking museum. Multiple departures including May 4, 2025, from $12,995 a person, see vikingcruises.com.au

The adventurer

The lowdown You’re a rugged outdoors type keen to emulate Bear Grylls? If the thought of a flop-and-drop cruise bores you, get active and alternative.

The destinations Alaska (on expedition ships), Patagonia and Antarctica, Greenland and the Arctic, and the Indonesian and Philippine islands are for you. South Africa might seem tempting, but most safari parks and mountains aren’t near the coast.

The ship If your idea of adventure is zip-lines, waterslides or surf simulators, choose a big ship. If you want all your action onshore, do an expedition cruise with the likes of Aurora Expeditions, Lindblad, Seabourn or Silversea. Ponant will take you kayaking, snorkelling, scuba-diving and wildlife-spotting.

Make it happen The name Zanzibar would urge on any adventurous traveller. Add the Seychelles and outlying Aldabra Atoll aboard a chic Ponant expedition ship for a 13-day exploration between Victoria and Zanzibar. Departs January 19, 2025, from $10,080 a person, see ponant.com

The bucket lister

The lowdown Obsessed with ticking off big sights? Just want a quick look? Cruising makes overview-style travel easy and wastes no time, transporting you around as you sleep.

The destinations You’ll need somewhere with short distances between multiple ports located near city centres. Avoid the South Pacific, South America and mainstream Asian city cruises. Europe is perfect, so are rivers everywhere.

The ship Stick to mid-sized or large ocean ships, or to river ships. Most operate cruises that take in regional highlights. Some such as Azamara, Oceania, Ponant and Seabourn offer country-intensive cruises if your bucket list is more focused.

Make it happen Seabourn Cruise Line’s 28-day cruise from Bali to Yokohama transports you from Indonesia to the Philippines, Taiwan, Hong Kong, South Korea and Japan in effortless style. You’ll get a quick overview of many destinations without the hassle. Departs March 2, 2025, from $20,229 a person, see seabourn.com

Five more cruise types

The culture vulture
If six cathedrals aren’t enough and every museum calls your name, you won’t be disappointed on most cruises, since most have a strong cultural element. The Mediterranean, eastern Asia or Japan should be your pick of destinations. Azamara, Cunard, Oceania and Viking will especially suit. Seabourn Cruise Line partners with UNESCO to offer special insight and access to World Heritage sites and projects: you might find yourself enjoying torch-lit cocktails and chamber music in the Greco-Roman ruins of Ephesus. See seabourn.com

The resolute urbanite
Fear not, cruising isn’t all about tropical islands and paper umbrellas in cocktails. Europe or Japan are the places for you: many cities, short connecting sails, mostly convenient port locations. Destination matters more than the cruise line, but Celebrity, Oceania, Princess, Regent, Seven Seas, SeaDream and Silversea have regular overnight port stays, so you can explore by evening – or dance the night away. Azamara is the standout, with overnights in more than 90 ports, and often several different overnights on a single itinerary. See azamara.com

The eco warrior
The true adherent had best clamber into a sailboat because nothing about cruising (or any travel) is overly eco-friendly, even if plastic straws have been abandoned. Avoid mega-ships and mid-sized luxury ships, although some of the newest have increasingly eco-friendly technologies. Aim for small-ship expedition cruising on the newest vessels. Hurtigruten, Lindblad and Ponant have ambitious sustainability goals. Australian-owned Aurora Expeditions, which specialises in polar cruising, has just become a Certified B Corporation for its environmental performance. See auroraexpeditions.com.au

The outrageously indulged
If you’re too well-heeled to lift a finger, then upmarket cruise lines await; you can store your moneybags in your suite’s walk-in wardrobe. Anyone else can splash out for a special occasion, and live the billionaire life for 10 days. Ritz-Carlton, Scenic, Seabourn, SeaDream and especially Regent Seven Seas are the most upmarket. Silversea has white-gloved butlers who shine your shoes and pop champagne. For those who don’t want to even turn a tap while on holiday, Silversea butlers will run your bath, too. See silversea.com

The fitness fanatic
Cruising isn’t all flop and drop. Most ships have gyms and offer active excursions; destinations such as the Pacific islands and Caribbean, New Zealand and Hawaii suit the sporty. The truly fidgety should consider European river cruising. You spend long days docked with ample opportunity to walk, jog and hike. Most luxury river companies now carry bicycles and e-bikes. Emerald Waterways has faster-paced Emerald Active itineraries that feature biking, kayaking and on-board fitness classes. See emeraldcruises.com.au